Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Is it just me or does this holiday come with really high expectations? Particularly, expectations about love and intimacy? With that in mind…
Let’s talk about sex, baby.
Last Fall, I went to Nine Revolution and a speaker there gave a talk about sex. Not just the act of sex, though, but about intimacy and sex, and how important they are for your relationship.
My initial reaction was, “Mind your business, lady.” Yet, as she spoke, her talking points made me take a long look at myself. Ugh, I hate that. I want to share some of the things I took away from her talk that really clicked with me.
Without further ado, I give you my “List Of Things To Do For Sexier Sex.”
It’s a working title, cut me some slack. This list is dedicated to tired moms everywhere who want a little more play. And not the kind you get on a playground. #MomJokes
Make touching/hand-holding/hugging a priority.
My husband has seen me deliver our children. We’ve seen each other through food poisoning in all its glory. By the end of the day, I can be covered in any or all of the following: vomit, poop, snot, spit, dirt or urine. Sometimes, I don’t feel human, let alone sexy. Her response was simple, “Ok, so maybe hot sex isn’t on the agenda on those particular days. On those days, couldn’t you hug for a minute or two? Couldn’t you hold hands while you’re in bed talking about your day?” Yes, I can do that. *Insert eye roll.* The funny thing, though, is that once I committed to doing a little more hugging and hand-holding, I definitely felt closer to my husband. Hmm, I’m still listening.
Give yourself at least 30 minutes for sex.
Wait a sec, lady, I’ve already committed to more touching and snuggling. Now you want me to find 30 more minutes in a day for sex? Let’s see you find extra time like that on a weeknight. I even raised my hand to say something snarky and she asked me if I’ve ever spent 30 minutes on Facebook/Instagram/the news/Netflix/whatever. Of course I have. She said, “Well, why don’t you trade those 30 minutes for sex? It’s time taken out of your day already. I’m not asking you to create a new 30 minute time slot – I’m suggesting you replace that time with sex.” Ok, she’s got a point. I realized in that moment, intimacy wasn’t in front of the internet on my priority list. Ouch.
Commit to more luxurious sex.
So, we’ve figured out how to give 30 minutes to have sex, but now you’re suggesting luxurious sex? I don’t live in a rom-com, dear. Candles, rose petals and massage oil aren’t on my weekly grocery list.* Someone asked, “So, what do you suggest for busy moms who have to sneak in quickies where we can?” (Let’s see how she responds to that!) She said, ever so gently, “You can live on protein bars, right? But wouldn’t you rather sit down to a home cooked meal that took a little longer to make? Not every day, but every once in a while? Like a Sunday dinner?” WHY IS SHE MAKING SO MUCH SENSE?? At this point, I turned off the snark and started giving her my undivided attention. While we’re on that subject…
Stop making mental grocery lists during sex.
Or thinking about what happened today, or the latest episode of This Is Us, or wishing it would be finished faster … stop it. If you want more intimacy during sex you have to actually BE THERE FOR IT. Turn off your brain and let your eyes and ears take over.
And finally, a partner tip …
I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t love some help unwinding. For a boost in intimacy, may I suggest taking something off her plate without being asked? “I’ll get the kids into bed tonight” or “I’ll do the dinner dishes, thanks for cooking.” Talk about an aphrodisiac!
I hope you’re able to put some of these suggestions into practice and they increase the intimacy between you and your partner. Even if a few of them aren’t realistic for this time in your life, they can be down the road. As you do these things a little more often, they’ll start becoming a habit for you. Personally, that sounds like a habit I’d like to keep well after Valentine’s Day has come and gone. #MomJokes
The speaker I refer to throughout this piece is the lovely and inspiring, Morgan Day Cecil, an Integrated Feminine Wholeness Coach. She gave me a lot to think about and, despite the tongue-in-cheek tone, this is written from a place of admiration and affection.