Last year around this time, I felt compelled to write my story of losing two precious babies through miscarriage. I ended up just not having the words to share and since it is so near and dear to my heart, I knew I had to wait until the words came. Now, a year later I feel ready to share my story. All of our stories will be very different, but this is one mama’s journey (mine) through pregnancy and loss.
After having my first little girl (who is now 5 1/2), I got pregnant again when she was about 10 months old. We were SO excited since we wanted to have kids really close in age so they could be buddies. I remember when the bleeding started (around 6 weeks) I reassured myself knowing that some people bleed during pregnancy. But then, it just kept coming. I went in for an ultrasound and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was devastated. I remember calling my midwife and her gently saying that I was going to be going into labor and explained the process. I remember it feeling so “wrong” that I was going to have to labor this baby. I didn’t want to think of it that way. It made it feel so real. I was going into labor but it wasn’t going to end with me having a sweet baby to hold.
A family friend sent me an email after it happened and said a few words that will stick with me forever. She said, “Your hopes and dreams begin the day you know that little baby exists.” I think that was the heart of what I was feeling. That my hopes and dreams for that baby would not come to fruition and it was something I would never get to experience but wanted to so badly.
The following month, I found out I was pregnant again and was ridden with anxiety. I was so nervous about having another miscarriage that I was worried I would cause myself to have one! It was around 8 weeks in that I decided that I was going to change my mindset and celebrate this baby for however long I would have it. Since I didn’t know how much time I would have, a few weeks or a lifetime, I wanted to give that sweet one what it deserved. To be loved and cherished. That little one turned into a beautiful little girl (my now 3 1/2 year old).
When she was around 1 1/2 I became pregnant again, and again lost that baby around 6 weeks. I can’t say the second time was easier, but it felt a little better knowing what was going to happen. I knew how to take care of myself during and after and what I would really need from family and friends. After every time, I think the same reocurring theme of anxiousness that rushes in is, “Is this it?? Can I not have children anymore? Can my body not handle this?”. I hate those feelings. Feeling as if you are living in such uncertainty and have no control.
I found after each loss I just had to push through it. I had to trust my body; not lean in to my emotions and uncertainty. The “why’s” of a miscarriage can be so overwhelming, and so I have had to choose to quiet that storm and search for the peace that comes with being okay with not knowing or understanding.
I went on and have had one more baby (a little boy this time who is now 13 months!) and have recently found out that I am pregnant with baby #4! Or actually, it’s technically baby #6 when I remember those two precious ones in my heart. So here I am again, sitting in the anxiety & the bliss that is waiting. Trusting my body. Celebrating this little life.
Photo Credit: Dream Photography Studio
Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We want to remember all of you who have suffered through infertility, miscarriage, or the loss of an infant. It is a hard journey to walk through and it’s easier when you don’t have to do it alone.
My fellow co-founders (Rachel + Stacey = Just Dream Design) joined creative forces and designed the beautiful printable featured at the top of this post. You can print and display it today (or every day!) as well as a wallet size card to privately remember those sweet ones. Download the printable HERE.
Positive thoughts, energy, and prayers sent your way all day today from all of us at North Phoenix Moms Blog.